Family Portrait

I mentioned in one of my earlier posts that I am the youngest in my family. I have 2 older sisters and an older brother (you have read a lot about him lately).
We know what my brother's view is about homosexuality, so I thought I would briefly mention some of the stuff my other lovely family members have said in the past.

My oldest sister was the first sibling I came out to, and the only one at this stage.  It was a couple of years back now, when I told them I had something to talk to them about.
We had dinner out at a cozy restaurant with her husband and kids - the kids went off to play in the game room while we had a chat.  My sister, as much as I love her, can be a little impatient.

So I began to attempt to tell her and her husband and this is what I got - "You're getting married? You're going overseas? You're pregnant? You're dying? You're gay?"

She seriously went through all of those things on the list because she couldn't wait for me to say what I needed to say. I find it funny that me being gay was the last thing on her mind.
She has tried to understand, but even after almost 2 years, it still makes her uncomfortable.

My brother - in-law, well he is totally accepting. So I thank him for his amazing support through all of this.

My other sister, is wrapped up in her own little world, and couldn't really care less about anyone but herself and doing what her boyfriend wants.  She thinks that gay, lesbian is disgusting - any talk of homosexuality and she will get extremely uncomfortable. My cousin (who is gay), he likes to make comments that he knows will make her uncomfortable. I don't particulary agree with his methods - I know that talking about it more with her will make no difference. One day I will tell her.

My dad, who is not only homophobic but racist too.  What a combination! He thinks that "all gay people should be taken out back and shot" - His words not mine.

My mum, well she is interesting. I remember a few years back now when Hayley Teal was on X Factor. My mum was like "Oh, I didn't know she was gay. She doesn't look gay" LOL!  I'm guessing she thinks that being pretty and dressing girly automatically makes you straight.  She likes Ellen and Portia - but I'm sure that is because it isn't any of her children. I am not expecting her to be over the moon about it, or accepting for that matter. But I'm not coming out for her benefit.

When I do finally tell them all, I will be doing it for me. So that I can start to move forward with my life and not feel like I am living two separate ones.

I need to lower my expectations

Words can't even begin to describe how I am feeling right now - but I will try :(
I'm angry, hurt, ashamed to give you a snapshot of the emotions.

If you haven't been living under a rock, then you are probably aware of Kevin Rudd's proclamation that he now supports same sex marriage.  It has been on the news non stop, which isn't the issue here. I think it is great that a politician is showing their support (even though I think the majority of them are idiots and most likely have a hidden agenda). Nonetheless, I'm giving Rudd the benefit of the doubt and think he is sincere with his announcement.

What is making all of these emotions stir, is the fact that I cannot believe how ignorant people are.  People I know nothing about, fine - leave them judge me. It hurts, but I can move on knowing they are shallow assholes.  When it is someone you know, someone who is supposed to love you no matter what - then that is a different story.

I was in the kitchen washing up my cup from my yummy hot chocolate I made earlier in the evening, when a news flash came on about Kevin. They were showing snippets of same sex couples publicly displaying their affection towards another.  My ever so ignorant brother screwed his face up and turned his head in disgust.

That was it, I couldn't stay silent.  "What's wrong?" I said to him, "Why are you screwing your face up like that?". I knew perfectly well why, but decided to hear him out. "Cause, two fat chicks were making out". At that moment, I wanted to throw my cup at him and knock some sense into his dumb ass head.  Instead, I replied "Would it be OK if it were two skinny girls instead?"
He goes, "Yeah"......So I called him a perv. He dug his grave even deeper by going on to state that kissing the same sex or being gay is not...wait for it! NORMAL! and he is the poster boy for perfectly fucking normal?

 I was furious by this stage, and could feel the tears getting ready to stream down my face.  I told him and my mother who was also there at the time: What is normal? Do you think that people go oh OK! Let me choose to be gay and be looked at by ignorant people like they have a disease?!
I said to my brother, you know..If you told me you were gay, I would still love you no matter what.  I'm starting to think that the feelings won't be reciprocated when I come out.

I don't care if they started to question my sexuality, I don't care if they thought I was over reacting. I clearly made them uncomfortable by my stance because they had nothing much to say after that.  I love my family but at this moment, I am ashamed of them. I wanted to believe they knew better, but clearly I didn't flick the switch that was labeled "Lower my expectations". I'm just so tired of it all :(

The crazy shit that comes out of their mouths - yes it's true!

So I had to move back home for a while after losing my job, and figured my sanity could be upheld by keeping this blog.  Let me give you a little background - youngest in my family, greek background, oh and did I mention, lesbian?

So I have been working my way up to coming out to my parents and siblings, but everytime I think I am getting close, they say something stupid - and there goes my confidence levels again.

I decided Friday night, I would torture myself by sitting and watching TV with my brother and mum. What was playing was even better - Who Wants to be a Millionaire: Hot Seat Edition!

The host was building up this confession a girl on the show had to tell her mum. I decide I would voice my opinion out loud. I bet she is going to say, "Mum, I'm gay". Once those words left my mouth, I felt a temporary relief that this weight had been lifted.  Then I realised, I wasn't saying it about me, so it didn't matter.

My brother decided that he would run with my idea after she confessed that she was in fact sneaking out at night and going to parties as a teen. These words came out of his mouth -  "yeah, I've been sneaking out from my window at night...and having lots of sex with lesbians."

WTF - dude...seriously?!